Mario Kart Madness
by Jimmy Dean 4 the Beans
Summary: My version of Mario Kart Wii's Mushroom Cup. Who can win the Kings crown? Eight famous racers compete for it, but only one can rule Mushroom Kingdom! Plot twist at the end, you'll never see it coming! Rated M for heavy drug use, innuendos, violence, rather undesirable language, and child abuse.


Two Years After The Events Of Super Mario Galaxy... Mushroom Kingdom

Toad was milling around the palace, looking for someone to annoy. As luck would have it, he ran into Rosalina. "Yo, baby. You want to go on a date to McToadstool's tonight?" "Go screw yourself, you little prick. I'm NOT having sex with you, so stop asking." she said, lighting up a joint and taking a couple of puffs.

Toad gave her a disturbing rape face, and left to go harass Daisy.

Meanwhile, Yoshi was stewing in a dark corner. How come fucking Mario got to always save(and subsequently bang) the princess, while he was invisible in the background, used only as a fucking steed? It wasn't fair.

Meanwhile, Peach was preparing to snap on Bowser Jr. "Hey, Mom, Dad told me he impregnated you, you got 'saved' by Mario, you gave birth to me in secret and sent me back to Dad in a box. Is that true?" "Yep" she snarled. "Tell you what, 'Son'. Let's play a game." "Goody! What's the game?" "Punt the Runt!" She yelled, kicking him with surprising force from someone so thin and pretty. He sailed out an open window and fell two stories onto the pavement.

Meanwhile, Bowser was playing Bioshock 2. "Auuugghh! Fucking bitch Big Sister! Killed me what, six times now?" Koopa shook his head and held up seven fingers. "Damn! I don't have to put up with this shit! Thanks, Obama!" he loaded up Lego Star Wars. Koopa rolled his eyes.

Meanwhile, Chancellor Toadstool busted out of the Royal Chambers. "Summon Mario And Co. immediately! This concerns all of them."

Ten minutes later, Mario, Peach, Toad, Rosalina, Bowser, Bowser Jr., Koopa, and

Yoshi were all standing outside the Royal Chambers, waiting for Toadstool to give them the news. "Well, we're all screwed." Toadstool said, looking grim. "I'm getting old. To see who inherits the throne, you will compete a series of races. You will start tomorrow. Your cars are also parked in the garage." They all nearly trampled each other getting to the garage. Bowser jumped into a large car with spiked wheels labeled 'Offroader'. Rosalina jumped onto a bike labeled 'Shooting Star.'. Mario got into the 'Classic Dragster'. Peach chose 'Mach Bike', Toad the 'Blue Falcon', Koopa the 'Bullet Bike', Bowser Jr. the 'Super Blooper', and Yoshi the 'Zip Zip'.

The Next Day...

Before the race, Rosalina had laced her fuel with cocaine, and taken a few shots herself.

Yoshi shat an egg and broke it, and inside was his automatic DH23 handgun, plus a few extra mags. Yoshi had eaten them before the race to fool security, and then planned to use them.

As they got into their cars or onto their bikes, they all did something to get ready.

Bowser revved the engine on his car. Bowser Jr. Cracked his knuckles. Toad beeped the horn. Yoshi stuck the gun into the side holster he had added last night. Of them all, Rosalina was the most elaborate. She put on some sports shades, stuck a joint into the corner of her smirking mouth, lit it, and gunned her bike's motor. This was Luigi Circuit, the shortest of the racetracks. From the start, Rose with her cocaine infused fuel was in the lead by a large margin. Until about halfway through the second lap, that was. A blue

shell flew right over her head and exploded. Mario immediately zipped past giggling madly. Rosalina pushed up her now cracked shades, lit another joint, and was after him. As she drew level with him, she socked him in the face, causing him to spin out and start crying. Rose laughed maniacally and drove off.

Elsewhere, Yoshi got muscled out of the way by Bowser Jr., who stuck out his tongue at him. Yoshi saw red and reached for his gun. He immediately emptied the 12 round clip into Bowser Jr.'s fuel tanks, causing the car to explode.

Meanwhile, Rosalina was still in first and about to cross the finish line, when she threw a banana peel behind her, causing Peach's' car to spin out, slam into the wall, and explode. "Damn!" she said.

As they were heading home from the race, Rose hefting the gold, they all agreed that the races were awesome and that they couldn't wait for the next one. The next race was on a course called Moo Moo Meadows. "Why not just call the place Queer Haven?" Toad objected. "Because," Peach had told him, "This is a kids game." "Kids game? Hey, fuck you kids!" Toad flipped the camera the bird and ran under Peach's skirt, giggling. "I'll save you Mom!" Bowser Jr. came racing towards her. "Oh no, get the fuck away from me!" she howled, booting him in the chin. After that issue was resolved, They got in their cars. As the light flashed green, Rose had a terrible thought. She hadn't put cocaine in her gas! She facepalmed. Now the race was fair!

Well, not quite. Yoshi had his gun, and that was all she needed. Now, how to get it…

She saw her opportunity when Bowser shoved him and his kart tipped. He spilled out onto the dirt, seething. "Yoshi!" She called, holding out her hand as she sped past. Yoshi got out of the smoking remains of his car seeing the world in shades of red and black. Suddenly, he heard a melodious voice cut through the red haze. "Yoshi!" The most beautiful princess he had ever seen was coming towards him on a bike, holding out her hand. "Come with me!" She yelled. Yoshi vaguely felt himself hold out his arm and she caught it. Swinging him back onto the back of her bike, Rose was a little

creeped out by how he was staring at her, but she needed the gun. "How'd you like to get revenge on Bowser and win with me?" He made a purring noise. She tried to stay together, but the truth was that this little prick was scaring the bejeezus out of her, what with the way he was looking at her.

"You know what?" She asked, "I can do this without you." She snatched the gun out of his hands and punched him in the face. He sailed off the back and landed in a puff of dust. She roared into the lead, shooting the others tires. on the last lap, though, she ran out of ammo. As she rounded the last turn, Toad pulled up to her.

"Hey babe." She gave him the finger. "Let's make this interesting." She spat at him.

Bullseye. "If I win," Toad said, unfazed, "I get one free date with you." She threw a

banana peel. He deftly swerved around it. He then proceeded to pull ahead of her and take the lead. As he crossed the finish line, he laughed hysterically. Pulling over to the shoulder of the road, he got out of his car and made a universal sexual gesture at Rose. She then ran him down on the bike, before kicking him several times in a rather

sensitive place. The others stared on in amusement at this post race show, Rose snarling obscenities, and Toad yipping in pain.

The next race was called Mushroom Gorge. As they lined up at the starting line, Toad

nursing his shattered testicals, Yoshi salivating over Rose, Rose taking a shot of Speed, and Peach dozing off a hangover. When the green light flashed, Peach's car listed slowly to the right and sailed over the thousand foot drop. Bowser Jr. leaped out of his car when he saw how far up he was, and landed in his father's arms. "What the fuck?!" Bowser growled. "Get outta here!" He pitched him out the back of the car. Mario ran him over and popped his tires on the spines on his shell. He then had to bail out himself. Landing on one of the giant mushrooms, he saw no escape until the race was over. "Aw, shit." He grumbled. "Oh well. I guess I might as well make this interesting." He tore a huge chunk out of the mushroom and crammed it all in his mouth. Approximately three seconds later, the world was clad in colors of the rainbow and swirling all around him. he giggled, his pupils the size of dinner plates.

Toad, meanwhile, was getting the crap beat out of him as an irate Yoshi smacked him in the face for looking at Rose. Rose herself felt a little flattered by the dinosaur's keeping the little prick out of her hair, but if he tried anything, he was getting thrown to the lumas. Suddenly there was a loud howl, and Toad smashed into the wall as Yoshi hit him in his shattered testicals. He got out of the car, groaning in pain, and was promptly rewarded for his lack of caution by being run over by Bowser. When Rose crossed the finish line, the winners were announced. She was indignant to find that Mario had won. Apparently

the 'shrooms had given him powers of teleportation, and he had finished before the others had even completed the first lap.

The fourth and final race was in Toad's Dildo Factory, a place he had always wanted to take Rose. The princesses looked on in horror at Toad's 'business', and the race began anew. Bowser was crushed by a giant press and made into a dildo. Toad howled with laughter as he took the lead early in the race. Suddenly, a dildo sailed past him, a tiny jet of flame on the rear. "What the fuck was I thinking, making a rocket propelled dildo…" He grumbled. More dildos flew past, each narrowly missing their glanced back and saw Peach prepping another. He stuck his tongue out at her. "Hey! You dumb bitch, if it wasn't for gravity, you couldn't hit the ground!" He mooned her. That dildo hit dead on, sending Toad sailing out of his car, a RPD stuck in his ass. Behind them, Rose was cackling, watching Peach fling dildos at Toad. Suddenly, she felt something wet touch her arm. Looking down, she saw Yoshi's tongue on her arm. She gave the dinosaur an 'are you fucking kidding me' look, before grabbing a green spiral dildo and cramming it in his mouth. As she sped off, Bowser Jr. snagged a bright purple dildo with an upside down 'L' on it and flung it at Rose. Rose dodged, gave him the finger, and shot his tire with Yoshi's gun. His car veered off the track and sailed into the water below. Finally the Hellish race was over. Rose was the winner, and as she held out her hands eagerly to receive the King's crown, she was shocked when he walked right past her and placed the crown on Koopa's head.

"What the fuck?! His name was only dropped once in this whole thing!" She yelled at the King. "Didn't you read the rules?" The King asked soberly. "There were rules?" She

asked quietly. "Yes. And Koopa followed them to the letter. As for the rest of you…" He looked them over. "Peach: Drinking. Mario/Rosalina: Drug use. Bowser, father and son: Unsportsmanship. Yoshi: Use of an illegal firearm." Yoshi was more preoccupied with still trying to get the green dildo out of his mouth. "And Toad… A better statement would be as to what rules you _didn't _you break."

"Fuck this!" Toad grabbed a tommy gun out of his car and was promptly hit in the head with the dildo that Yoshi had finally removed. "Huh." The King pulled a small book out of his pocket. "Now he's broken _all_ the rules."

Thanks for reading, not my best work, but definitely one of my funnier stories!


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